Singleness

This morning I woke up alone again, but this time it was different. This morning I woke up with a joy in my heart that no words seem to accurately describe. Nevertheless, the Lord placed it on my heart to try. 

This morning I woke up alone again, but this time I was deeply grateful for it. 

Now don't get me wrong, there are days of extreme loneliness and sorrow where I am broken over not having a spouse or the earthly love of a man, but it is in those moments the Lord has shown me that He is the most intimate lover there is.

In the season of singleness, there is an opportunity for an incredible intimacy with our Heavenly Father that can so easily be missed when we dwell on self-pity or the hope of something not promised us (I know because I've been there).

I'm 27 years old, never been married, and really never even experienced a committed relationship. Often I'm ashamed to admit it-out of fear of how I will be viewed. I'm afraid people will think there is something wrong with me, that I'm not putting myself out there enough, or try to fix me up with the first single person they can think of out of pity. But each day of sadness, unfulfilled longing, and, yes, even shame, the Lord has been there. He has pressed in closer to me with each passing moment.

If you're reading this and are still thinking something is wrong with me-you're right. There is something wrong with me. I have made mistakes in relationships, been afraid to be loved, and struggle with sinful desire like anyone. I'm a broken creature in need of a Savior. But the most beautiful part is that need has been fulfilled. I have a Savior! A Savior through the blood of Jesus Christ who has covered this broken creature with His healing blood and proclaimed me as healed and sinless because of HIS sacrifice. Because of HIS love for me, I can experience the loving pursuit of my Heavenly Father.

What God has reminded me of these last few months and specifically today is that He is my husband. He is the one who recognizes my pain and holds me while I cry. He is the one who knows how hard it is for me to make ANY decision and gently leads and gives me peace through His Holy Spirit to tell me what step to take next. He is the one who knows my need before I ask Him and provides in a way that points only to Him. He is the one who takes delight in sending little gifts my way, not because I need them, but simply because He loves me.

What is the purpose of marriage? To point humanity to the beauty of the relationship between God the Father and His church. I truly delight in those around me who have experienced the deep joy and love of our Savior through marriage. It is truly a beautiful thing to witness. And deep down, of course I still hope that someday the Lord will allow me to experience that, and He very well may. But until that time, I refuse to miss the Lord's purpose in this season. I refuse to believe the lie that He just forgot about me and doesn't desire my best. 

Who are we kidding? We serve the God of the universe who created everything we see simply be speaking! As my dad so humorously reminded me when I moved back home-God could bring a man out of a bush for me if He wanted to. How's that for some sympathetic Daddy love?? :)

Does singleness mean I'm supposed to hermit myself up in my room and just wait for God to make me feel better? No. It means I share my emotions with others (good, bad, and the ugly) and allow God to comfort me as He sees fit. Sometimes He may tell me to get alone so only He can hold me. Other days He may tell me to verbalize my thoughts and feelings to those I trust so he can love me through them (see paragraph above). The beauty is that I have to learn to listen to His gently lead and be obedient when He speaks. 

The purpose of all of this is not to elevate singleness, to disrespect marriage, or to say I've got this all figured out. Trust me, the only thing I've figured out is how desperately I need the Lord to do the figuring out. The purpose of this is me sharing the Lord's love for me. Regardless of if it encourages you or not, I simply want to share how well I am loved, cherished, and pursued by my Heavenly Father. 

Whether you are married, engaged, dating, divorced, widowed, or never-married, we all have moments of loneliness. They all look a little different, of course, but what they all have in common is a need for the Lord to fulfill it. It sounds cliche, but there truly is a hole in our heart that only the Lord can fill. I pray that you are able to experience this indescribable intimacy in a way that you can share it with others. We serve a good good Father who wants nothing less than all of you, so step out on a limb and give it to Him :)

This morning I woke up alone again, but this time it was different: I realized I'm not really alone :)

Date Night!

“You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine. ² Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. ³ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴ Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. ⁶ Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. ⁷ In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness ⁸ and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.”                                                                                                                                                -Titus 2

I know what you’re all thinking, and no I did NOT go on a date!  And no matter how disappointed you may be, this blog is NOT about my dating life in any way, shape, or form. (Got ya’ to at least open the blog though didn’t I?! Point for Caylee.)

I was however, along with the rest of my house, treated like a queen by one of our brothers in Christ.  “Why,” you may ask? Because he wanted to serve us as sisters and show us how we deserved to be treated (his words, not ours). 

Earlier this week he asked if we were available tonight because he wanted to have us over for dinner. As we walked in tonight, we saw a set-up of candles, flowers, and THIS incredible display of foliage on the table.  

After placing finishing touches on blackened chicken and rice (SO good!), he had us sit at the table and served us dinner.  As I’m sitting there thinking how wonderful all of this is, he stops for a moment and says he will bless our meal.  And THIS is where the “blog-worthiness” comes in…

This precious brother in Christ blessed the food and then proceeded to pray for our future husbands! He asked the Lord to begin preparing them for us and to scare away any men that would have any dishonorable intentions towards us.  What an incredible blessing to have been cared for in such a way by a sibling in Christ. I honestly cannot adequately express how much this meant to me.

The rest of the evening was full of incredible food, honest conversation, laughter, and, brace yourself… community brownies J. (A.K.A. we all just dug in simultaneously with forks.  I know…you’re jealous.)

I know that all of these thoughts are probably things we’ve all heard before, but the Lord reminded me so gracefully and gently tonight.  Why do I expect any less from my Heavenly Father? Why was I surprised to be served so intentionally and why do I often feel it’s impossible to be treated in such a way by a brother?

This is not a bash towards guys (even though I confess I am honestly very distrustful and cynical when it comes to relationships), but why do we so often do them the disservice of expecting mediocrity from them?  Why do we, as women, see it as commonplace for men to be passive, unintentional, and thoughtless in the way they treat us?  Is it because we so desperately worship the idol of sex and marriage we aren’t willing to wait for God to work on the hearts of our brothers? (I use the word “we” very intentionally here).

My first thought was to blame men on this matter, but aren’t we just as guilty? Sure, it is easy to say they all just need to grow up and learn how to treat women right, (and they do, they are not guiltless in this pitfall) but why should they when we encourage them to do the opposite?  What motivation does a guy have to “act like a man” when I am behaving like a little girl: allowing him to have time with me without communicating his attentions, painting him as prince charming without seeing his faults, and using him to fulfill my desire for companionship?

I am so guilty on repeated occasions of all of the above.  And why? Because I am a sinner, saved by grace.  Until the day I die, I will have a sinful nature that I must fight off.  And when it comes to dating, this means that I will often be tempted to make excuses for a man in order to receive attention from him instead of encouraging him towards authentic manhood through honest communication. The thought of following through with this conviction makes me cringe (just in case you didn’t know… I HATE confrontation), but when will I be willing to love others enough to place their needs over my own, even if that means an uncomfortable conversation?  To share a quote from our dating class with you: “never sacrifice the truth for someone’s feelings.” (Don’t go crazy with this, you know what I mean!)

Through prayer and submission to Lord’s will, I can confidently say the Lord is growing me in this area, but I still have much work to do.  So, to my married friends out there, help me and those around me in this area by having expectations for all of us to act like true, committed men and women of God.  And to my fellow single friends, let us behave as the body of Christ by expecting more from each other as well and treating each other like brothers and sisters as Paul commands in Titus 2. 

Guys, BE INTENTIONAL and think about our hearts! LADIES, the next time a guy asks you out, tell him to call your dad first! The next time you are on date 6 and the guy hasn’t told you how he feels, ask him what his intentions are! The next time a guy asks to “hang out” without stating his intentions, ask him to clarify or say NO!  We aren’t doing ourselves, the guys, or the girl after us any favors by allowing our brothers to be passive.

No, we are NOT responsible for their actions, but we are responsible for ours, so let’s step up to the plate and encourage our brothers in Christ toward authentic manhood.  Let’s allow love and not selfishness be what defines our interactions with men, and by all means let’s pray for the men we may call husbands, as my dear friend and brother did for me tonight.

Thankful for this group of siblings the Lord has used to teach me so much. Pics complements of our retreat (see last entry...)

Home Stretch

Sooo...the last couple months in recap...

 *My disciple-group member got baptized!! This girl has been in my disciple group all year and it was my privilege to see her make a public declaration of her faith in Christ.

*Thanks to my discipler, I got my first taste of Chicago-style pizza STRAIGHT FROM CHICAGO! She visited and brought some back for us to taste. I of course performed surgery on it first, but it still tasted delicious :)

*The youth girls from my church came over for a girls day! We played games and baked cookies for a women's prison ministry.  5 dozen balls of dough later and we were done! 

*These lovely ladies came to M-town for the women's conference and we had such a great time!! Who says slumber parties are just for kids?

 *Made a couple of trips home to celebrate this sweet girl tying the knot! It was a busy weekend for everyone, but such a great day. Thankful to call her friend.

*This past weekend, we went on a retreat with just the Emerging Leader class and we had such a great time!! We hung out on the lake, played games, and really enjoyed some bonding time at the end of our adventures in Memphis together. It is such a bittersweet time for all of us but times like this make the transition at the end of Downline much easier. So blessed by all of them.

*Oh, and if you have any wasp issues inside your home, I'm your girl. It may take me 15 full-forced swings with a massive book, and I may or may not freak out during the process, but don't you worry,  the deed will get done.

 

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  It's been a highly eventful two months, and I can use more prayer now than I ever could. I am at a crossroads with my decision of where to live, where to work, and where to potentially settle for a little while and I am overwhelmed with emotion. Every day I get closer to having to make a decision and the only clarity the Lord is currently granting is to trust Him and wait patiently, which is truly all I need. I am confident that He will make the next steps clear to me, He has never let me down and is holding me through all of my weakness. The strength He has granted in my inner spirit has been so clear, especially on my weaker days. He is growing me so much through all of this, even though I don't necessarily like it. He is revealing sin in my heart and lovingly shaping my heart more after His and less like my own. This whole process is nearing an end, but the next one is beginning and I can't wait to have my mom join me in Africa in June as a part of that transition!! We are almost done raising funds and can't wait to share all that the Lord will do. Praise Him for His faithfulness in every area of life. We serve a good God. Thanks to everyone who has been praying and supporting me, it has been priceless to me.

Poem for the New Year

2013 is over and a new year begun

Life in Memphis has been bittersweet, full of both challenges and fun.

Here are a few highlights from the end of the year

I hope they bring you joy, as to my heart, they are dear!

We’ve raked a LOT of leaves

And been racking our brains in class

Learning from some incredible teachers 

And been challenged to apply Scripture with sass ;)

 (I mean a LOT of leaves!)

(Robert Coleman, wrote Master Plan of Evangelism! Oh, and friends with Billy Graham, just sayin…)

(Halloween outreach-meet and treat!)

(December parent’s night out for neighbors, so fun!)

November and December had a party or two 

And I had some great time with family,

Riding four-wheelers for Thanksgiving,

and then going shopping for baby :)

 

 (Downline Class Christmas party-our place)

(Downline Women's Christmas party)

 

 (Family Destination Thanksgiving!)

 

(My sister-in-law is gorgeous!)

(Please note creepy picture…yikes!)

The birthday of 25 occurred, and of course we threw a party
Then a friend or two got hitched,

and believe it or not, I wasn’t tardy.

 It has been a very eventful semester, 

I can hardly believe it is over.

This next one will go even quicker, 

and it starts tomorrow!

So here is to another year

that is bound to be full of blessings,

I'm not certain all of this even rhymed,

but, hey, it was worth attempting.

Love you guys and hope to share more soon!

Jesus loves me, this I know...

Jesus loves me, this I know…

Why is that fact so hard for me to admit?

Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me. 

I sang this precious song regularly as a child, but most times there was a deep part of my heart that refused to believe it.  

Does God really love me? Does He even like me? 

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch in my living room seeking to please my Heavenly Father by spending a few moments with Him, when He brought these questions back to the forefront of my mind: Does God really love me? Does He even like me? 

Along with these questions came a beautiful reminder from the Holy Spirit…

God loves me because I am His child, not because of what I do for Him.

I have often wondered why we tell young children how beautiful and wonderful their finger-painting is.  I mean, let’s be honest, we all know we have no idea what they were trying to paint, but we praise them nevertheless. Why?

Because we love the child who painted it. 

Parents genuinely delight in their children’s artwork, not because the art is beautiful itself, but because the child they dearly love created it.  This fact ironically makes the artwork beautiful.

As I sat in Memphis, desperately trying to please God with my life, He stilled my heart and told me tenderly how much He loved me.  I began weeping on my couch as I finally let the deepest part of my heart receive this truth:

My Heavenly Father loves me not because of any finger-painting of “good deeds” I have presented Him, but because I am His.  I am a daughter of the King.  The one and only true King.

I can spend the rest of my life trying to earn His love and favor, but nothing I can do will change His mind about me: I am His and He is mine. He will never stop loving me because I have been covered with the blood of the Lamb for all eternity.

I am beautiful, not because of any physical characteristic or personality trait (there is truly nothing good in me apart from Christ) but because I am clay in the Potter’s hand: a work of art by the Ultimate Artist.

When our actions are a direct result of the love we have for the Father and the love He has for us, they become beautiful.  Apart from the love of God, nothing is beautiful.  And when true love for the Father exists, we won’t be able to contain it.

So the next time you see a young child’s finger-painting, remember how deeply you are loved.  

And the next time your attempt to please God seems to fall short, remember God doesn’t love your deeds, He loves YOU!

Let your actions flow FROM love instead of to it.

Ephesians 2:1-10

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are HIS workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (emphasis added)

Praise God for His grace and perfect love in spite of my sin and failure.  He is good!

I've Been Redeemed.

My Testimony I was privileged to share with class a few weeks ago:

Most anyone that will be reading this will be well aware of the upbringing I was blessed with: I grew up in a Christian home as well as attended Christian school for most of my education, including college. My parents were faithful believers who loved Jesus and had my siblings and I in church almost as quickly as we were released from the hospital. Some of my earliest memories of life include flannel board Bible stories and Sunday School games of Duck-Duck Goose. I remember wondering when I would “ask Jesus in my heart” and anxiously awaiting when it would be my turn. 

 

That day came for me at the age of 7 on a family vacation. My older brother and I were in the back of our janky old Toyota van filled with 6 people during a 2 day road trip when he looked over and asked me a simple question: did I want to ask Jesus into my heart? Clearly the church jargon doesn’t make sense to everyone, but growing up in the church, the Lord knew exactly what language to use to speak to my heart even at such a young age, and I knew exactly what that question meant: It was my turn to give my life to Christ and I did so as best I knew how. My brother led me in a prayer where I confessed that I was a sinner and that I wanted to trust in Christ to lead me for the rest of my life. To this day, I still have never felt the amount of joy that I felt in that moment. Even being so young and understanding little about grace or the depth of my own sin, I knew that I wanted Jesus to have my heart and that I wanted to please Him in all that I said and did. Even though I have struggled in many ways since that day, I have never doubted the presence of the Holy Spirit that I received on that summer day 18 years ago. 

As time went on, my deepest desire was to love Jesus, but that was often crowded out by legalism, judgmentalism, pride, and self-righteousness. Being obedient to my parents, going to church, getting good grades, and surrounding myself with godly people were all easy tasks that seemed to come naturally. 

The one time I lied to my parents about a coloring book only lasted about 5 minutes before I ended up in tears and confessing because I couldn’t stand to do anything wrong. I don’t even think my mom punished me because I was so upset with myself. (Looking back, this reaction was probably greatly due to the Holy Spirit in me, praise God!)

 

The older I got, the more success I achieved, and the more people in my life constantly told me how wonderful I was. My pride began to grow and I slowly began to lose sight of all that Christ had done for me. I always had a desire to love Him and know Him more, I just continued trying to achieve that by being a good person. I would hear other people’s testimonies who had been saved from a life of addiction and think that my salvation had been a small thing. I would look at the people around me who struggled with peer pressure, sex, drugs, drinking, and other noticeable sins and think that I was somehow better than them. I diminished my testimony and all that Jesus had redeemed me from because I understood less and less the depth of my own sin and failed to realized my need for Christ. 

This pattern continued through all of junior high, high school, and the beginning of college, even though looking back, I can see how each step of the way the Lord was chipping away at my heart through the power of the Holy Spirit one experience at a time.  In 7^th grade, I had a math teacher listen to me, remind me of Christ’s claim over me, and pray over me as I was broken over the realization that I didn’t deserve any of the things the Lord had given me, including eternal life. In my high school youth group, I had a mentor listen to me and pray over me after I was broken at the alter, realizing more and more that nothing I did to try to earn the Father’s affections was enough to save myself. In college, the Lord began breaking me of my desire for marriage and a family by giving me the gift of singleness and drawing me closer to my need for Himself. On a mission trip in Europe, the Lord spoke to me in the mountains, reminding me of all of His provisions for me financially, spiritually, physically, and so much more. 

Every step of the way, the Lord has been gentle with my heart, giving me exactly what I needed in the moment to know Him more and to bring Him more glory, whether that was silence and solitude for me or His nearness and presence over my situation. 

As I slowly began to know Him more and recognize more clearly the depth of my own sin as well as the depth of grace given through Jesus perfect sacrifice on the cross to cover that sin, He also began to teach me how He wanted to use all that He had done in my life for His glory. Through a college ministry, He revealed His calling of the Great Commission over my life, as well as a deeper understanding of the Gospel and the training on how to share the Gospel with others.  He began drawing on my upbringing, life experiences, and all of His faithfulness in my life to equip me for the work of the Kingdom. He began to graciously teach me what it meant to love and serve Him in response to grace as opposed to trying to deserve the gift He had already fully given me. He reminded me that I could never be good enough to earn His love, but that He already loves me fully because of Christ and that there is no sacrifice I could make that would be enough to repay Him for that precious gift. 

He has grown my vision for all that He wants to do on this earth and brought me here to Memphis to continue to equip me for His Kingdom, making disciples of all nations. Every day I am here I am learning even more what it means to sacrifice in honor of the cross, a task that has never been easy for me. 

God wants more from me than just a “Christian” lifestyle, and the things that come easily for me. He wants all of me. He wants to know that I love Him more than anything else in my life and that my deepest desire is His glory. This life will never be easy, but God will be faithful to complete the work He began in each of us and that work will deepen our affections for Him every step of the way. I will continue to make mistakes and stumble in my sin of legalism, but God is sovereign and I am thankful for His willingness to use a sinner such as myself to claim the name of Jesus in this world and make disciples of all nations. 

He has been faithful in blessing me tremendously with a heritage of faith through both my earthly and spiritual family and I can’t wait to see all of the ways He grows that family through His faithfulness in the days to come. As my older brother reminded me recently, the only good that is in me is because of Christ, and as Paul reminds us in Ephesians: “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, to Him be the glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.”