This morning I woke up alone again, but this time I was deeply grateful for it.
Now don't get me wrong, there are days of extreme loneliness and sorrow where I am broken over not having a spouse or the earthly love of a man, but it is in those moments the Lord has shown me that He is the most intimate lover there is.
In the season of singleness, there is an opportunity for an incredible intimacy with our Heavenly Father that can so easily be missed when we dwell on self-pity or the hope of something not promised us (I know because I've been there).
I'm 27 years old, never been married, and really never even experienced a committed relationship. Often I'm ashamed to admit it-out of fear of how I will be viewed. I'm afraid people will think there is something wrong with me, that I'm not putting myself out there enough, or try to fix me up with the first single person they can think of out of pity. But each day of sadness, unfulfilled longing, and, yes, even shame, the Lord has been there. He has pressed in closer to me with each passing moment.
If you're reading this and are still thinking something is wrong with me-you're right. There is something wrong with me. I have made mistakes in relationships, been afraid to be loved, and struggle with sinful desire like anyone. I'm a broken creature in need of a Savior. But the most beautiful part is that need has been fulfilled. I have a Savior! A Savior through the blood of Jesus Christ who has covered this broken creature with His healing blood and proclaimed me as healed and sinless because of HIS sacrifice. Because of HIS love for me, I can experience the loving pursuit of my Heavenly Father.
What God has reminded me of these last few months and specifically today is that He is my husband. He is the one who recognizes my pain and holds me while I cry. He is the one who knows how hard it is for me to make ANY decision and gently leads and gives me peace through His Holy Spirit to tell me what step to take next. He is the one who knows my need before I ask Him and provides in a way that points only to Him. He is the one who takes delight in sending little gifts my way, not because I need them, but simply because He loves me.
What is the purpose of marriage? To point humanity to the beauty of the relationship between God the Father and His church. I truly delight in those around me who have experienced the deep joy and love of our Savior through marriage. It is truly a beautiful thing to witness. And deep down, of course I still hope that someday the Lord will allow me to experience that, and He very well may. But until that time, I refuse to miss the Lord's purpose in this season. I refuse to believe the lie that He just forgot about me and doesn't desire my best.
Who are we kidding? We serve the God of the universe who created everything we see simply be speaking! As my dad so humorously reminded me when I moved back home-God could bring a man out of a bush for me if He wanted to. How's that for some sympathetic Daddy love?? :)
Does singleness mean I'm supposed to hermit myself up in my room and just wait for God to make me feel better? No. It means I share my emotions with others (good, bad, and the ugly) and allow God to comfort me as He sees fit. Sometimes He may tell me to get alone so only He can hold me. Other days He may tell me to verbalize my thoughts and feelings to those I trust so he can love me through them (see paragraph above). The beauty is that I have to learn to listen to His gently lead and be obedient when He speaks.
The purpose of all of this is not to elevate singleness, to disrespect marriage, or to say I've got this all figured out. Trust me, the only thing I've figured out is how desperately I need the Lord to do the figuring out. The purpose of this is me sharing the Lord's love for me. Regardless of if it encourages you or not, I simply want to share how well I am loved, cherished, and pursued by my Heavenly Father.
Whether you are married, engaged, dating, divorced, widowed, or never-married, we all have moments of loneliness. They all look a little different, of course, but what they all have in common is a need for the Lord to fulfill it. It sounds cliche, but there truly is a hole in our heart that only the Lord can fill. I pray that you are able to experience this indescribable intimacy in a way that you can share it with others. We serve a good good Father who wants nothing less than all of you, so step out on a limb and give it to Him :)
This morning I woke up alone again, but this time it was different: I realized I'm not really alone :)
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