My Testimony I was privileged to share with class a few weeks ago:
Most anyone that will be reading this will be well
aware of the upbringing I was blessed with: I grew up in a Christian home as
well as attended Christian school for most of my education, including college.
My parents were faithful believers who loved Jesus and had my siblings and I in
church almost as quickly as we were released from the hospital. Some of my
earliest memories of life include flannel board Bible stories and Sunday School
games of Duck-Duck Goose. I remember wondering when I would “ask Jesus in my
heart” and anxiously awaiting when it would be my turn.
That day came for me at
the age of 7 on a family vacation. My older brother and I were in the back of
our janky old Toyota van filled with 6 people during a 2 day road trip when he
looked over and asked me a simple question: did I want to ask Jesus into my
heart? Clearly the church jargon doesn’t make sense to everyone, but growing up
in the church, the Lord knew exactly what language to use to speak to my heart
even at such a young age, and I knew exactly what that question meant: It was
my turn to give my life to Christ and I did so as best I knew how. My brother
led me in a prayer where I confessed that I was a sinner and that I wanted to
trust in Christ to lead me for the rest of my life. To this day, I still have
never felt the amount of joy that I felt in that moment. Even being so young
and understanding little about grace or the depth of my own sin, I knew that I
wanted Jesus to have my heart and that I wanted to please Him in all that I
said and did. Even though I have struggled in many ways since that day, I have
never doubted the presence of the Holy Spirit that I received on that summer
day 18 years ago.
As time went on, my deepest desire was to love Jesus, but
that was often crowded out by legalism, judgmentalism, pride, and
self-righteousness. Being obedient to my parents, going to church, getting good
grades, and surrounding myself with godly people were all easy tasks that
seemed to come naturally.
The one time I lied to my parents about a coloring
book only lasted about 5 minutes before I ended up in tears and confessing
because I couldn’t stand to do anything wrong. I don’t even think my mom
punished me because I was so upset with myself. (Looking back, this reaction was probably greatly due to the Holy Spirit in me, praise God!)
The older I got, the more
success I achieved, and the more people in my life constantly told me how
wonderful I was. My pride began to grow and I slowly began to lose sight of all
that Christ had done for me. I always had a desire to love Him and know Him
more, I just continued trying to achieve that by being a good person. I would
hear other people’s testimonies who had been saved from a life of addiction and
think that my salvation had been a small thing. I would look at the people
around me who struggled with peer pressure, sex, drugs, drinking, and other
noticeable sins and think that I was somehow better than them. I diminished my
testimony and all that Jesus had redeemed me from because I understood less and
less the depth of my own sin and failed to realized my need for Christ.
This
pattern continued through all of junior high, high school, and the beginning of
college, even though looking back, I can see how each step of the way the Lord
was chipping away at my heart through the power of the Holy Spirit one
experience at a time. In 7th
grade, I had a math teacher listen to me, remind me of Christ’s claim over me,
and pray over me as I was broken over the realization that I didn’t deserve any
of the things the Lord had given me, including eternal life. In my high school
youth group, I had a mentor listen to me and pray over me after I was broken at
the alter, realizing more and more that nothing I did to try to earn the
Father’s affections was enough to save myself. In college, the Lord began breaking
me of my desire for marriage and a family by giving me the gift of singleness
and drawing me closer to my need for Himself. On a mission trip in Europe, the
Lord spoke to me in the mountains, reminding me of all of His provisions for me
financially, spiritually, physically, and so much more.
Every step of the way,
the Lord has been gentle with my heart, giving me exactly what I needed in the
moment to know Him more and to bring Him more glory, whether that was silence
and solitude for me or His nearness and presence over my situation.
As I slowly
began to know Him more and recognize more clearly the depth of my own sin as
well as the depth of grace given through Jesus perfect sacrifice on the cross
to cover that sin, He also began to teach me how He wanted to use all that He
had done in my life for His glory. Through a college ministry, He revealed His
calling of the Great Commission over my life, as well as a deeper understanding
of the Gospel and the training on how to share the Gospel with others. He began drawing on my upbringing, life
experiences, and all of His faithfulness in my life to equip me for the work of
the Kingdom. He began to graciously teach me what it meant to love and serve
Him in response to grace as opposed to trying to deserve the gift He had
already fully given me. He reminded me that I could never be good enough to
earn His love, but that He already loves me fully because of Christ and that there
is no sacrifice I could make that would be enough to repay Him for that
precious gift.
He has grown my vision for all that He wants to do on this earth
and brought me here to Memphis to continue to equip me for His Kingdom, making
disciples of all nations. Every day I am here I am learning even more what it
means to sacrifice in honor of the cross, a task that has never been easy for
me.
God wants more from me than just a “Christian” lifestyle, and the things
that come easily for me. He wants all of me. He wants to know that I love Him
more than anything else in my life and that my deepest desire is His glory.
This life will never be easy, but God will be faithful to complete the work He
began in each of us and that work will deepen our affections for Him every step
of the way. I will continue to make mistakes and stumble in my sin of legalism,
but God is sovereign and I am thankful for His willingness to use a sinner such
as myself to claim the name of Jesus in this world and make disciples of all
nations.
He has been faithful in blessing me tremendously with a heritage of
faith through both my earthly and spiritual family and I can’t wait to see all of
the ways He grows that family through His faithfulness in the days to come. As
my older brother reminded me recently, the only good that is in me is because
of Christ, and as Paul reminds us in Ephesians: “Now to Him who is able to do
immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, to Him be the glory in the church
and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.”