I've Been Redeemed.

My Testimony I was privileged to share with class a few weeks ago:

Most anyone that will be reading this will be well aware of the upbringing I was blessed with: I grew up in a Christian home as well as attended Christian school for most of my education, including college. My parents were faithful believers who loved Jesus and had my siblings and I in church almost as quickly as we were released from the hospital. Some of my earliest memories of life include flannel board Bible stories and Sunday School games of Duck-Duck Goose. I remember wondering when I would “ask Jesus in my heart” and anxiously awaiting when it would be my turn. 

 

That day came for me at the age of 7 on a family vacation. My older brother and I were in the back of our janky old Toyota van filled with 6 people during a 2 day road trip when he looked over and asked me a simple question: did I want to ask Jesus into my heart? Clearly the church jargon doesn’t make sense to everyone, but growing up in the church, the Lord knew exactly what language to use to speak to my heart even at such a young age, and I knew exactly what that question meant: It was my turn to give my life to Christ and I did so as best I knew how. My brother led me in a prayer where I confessed that I was a sinner and that I wanted to trust in Christ to lead me for the rest of my life. To this day, I still have never felt the amount of joy that I felt in that moment. Even being so young and understanding little about grace or the depth of my own sin, I knew that I wanted Jesus to have my heart and that I wanted to please Him in all that I said and did. Even though I have struggled in many ways since that day, I have never doubted the presence of the Holy Spirit that I received on that summer day 18 years ago. 

As time went on, my deepest desire was to love Jesus, but that was often crowded out by legalism, judgmentalism, pride, and self-righteousness. Being obedient to my parents, going to church, getting good grades, and surrounding myself with godly people were all easy tasks that seemed to come naturally. 

The one time I lied to my parents about a coloring book only lasted about 5 minutes before I ended up in tears and confessing because I couldn’t stand to do anything wrong. I don’t even think my mom punished me because I was so upset with myself. (Looking back, this reaction was probably greatly due to the Holy Spirit in me, praise God!)

 

The older I got, the more success I achieved, and the more people in my life constantly told me how wonderful I was. My pride began to grow and I slowly began to lose sight of all that Christ had done for me. I always had a desire to love Him and know Him more, I just continued trying to achieve that by being a good person. I would hear other people’s testimonies who had been saved from a life of addiction and think that my salvation had been a small thing. I would look at the people around me who struggled with peer pressure, sex, drugs, drinking, and other noticeable sins and think that I was somehow better than them. I diminished my testimony and all that Jesus had redeemed me from because I understood less and less the depth of my own sin and failed to realized my need for Christ. 

This pattern continued through all of junior high, high school, and the beginning of college, even though looking back, I can see how each step of the way the Lord was chipping away at my heart through the power of the Holy Spirit one experience at a time.  In 7^th grade, I had a math teacher listen to me, remind me of Christ’s claim over me, and pray over me as I was broken over the realization that I didn’t deserve any of the things the Lord had given me, including eternal life. In my high school youth group, I had a mentor listen to me and pray over me after I was broken at the alter, realizing more and more that nothing I did to try to earn the Father’s affections was enough to save myself. In college, the Lord began breaking me of my desire for marriage and a family by giving me the gift of singleness and drawing me closer to my need for Himself. On a mission trip in Europe, the Lord spoke to me in the mountains, reminding me of all of His provisions for me financially, spiritually, physically, and so much more. 

Every step of the way, the Lord has been gentle with my heart, giving me exactly what I needed in the moment to know Him more and to bring Him more glory, whether that was silence and solitude for me or His nearness and presence over my situation. 

As I slowly began to know Him more and recognize more clearly the depth of my own sin as well as the depth of grace given through Jesus perfect sacrifice on the cross to cover that sin, He also began to teach me how He wanted to use all that He had done in my life for His glory. Through a college ministry, He revealed His calling of the Great Commission over my life, as well as a deeper understanding of the Gospel and the training on how to share the Gospel with others.  He began drawing on my upbringing, life experiences, and all of His faithfulness in my life to equip me for the work of the Kingdom. He began to graciously teach me what it meant to love and serve Him in response to grace as opposed to trying to deserve the gift He had already fully given me. He reminded me that I could never be good enough to earn His love, but that He already loves me fully because of Christ and that there is no sacrifice I could make that would be enough to repay Him for that precious gift. 

He has grown my vision for all that He wants to do on this earth and brought me here to Memphis to continue to equip me for His Kingdom, making disciples of all nations. Every day I am here I am learning even more what it means to sacrifice in honor of the cross, a task that has never been easy for me. 

God wants more from me than just a “Christian” lifestyle, and the things that come easily for me. He wants all of me. He wants to know that I love Him more than anything else in my life and that my deepest desire is His glory. This life will never be easy, but God will be faithful to complete the work He began in each of us and that work will deepen our affections for Him every step of the way. I will continue to make mistakes and stumble in my sin of legalism, but God is sovereign and I am thankful for His willingness to use a sinner such as myself to claim the name of Jesus in this world and make disciples of all nations. 

He has been faithful in blessing me tremendously with a heritage of faith through both my earthly and spiritual family and I can’t wait to see all of the ways He grows that family through His faithfulness in the days to come. As my older brother reminded me recently, the only good that is in me is because of Christ, and as Paul reminds us in Ephesians: “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, to Him be the glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.”